I was so shocked when Ali said he wanted me back and now Im with him again even know Im really not sure its what I actually want. But hes apparently wanting and trying to give me exactly what Ive wanted and wished for for so long that I cant just ignore that. I know Ive changed but I dont know if hes not right for me anymore or Ive just got used to it all not being real. He said he wanted to see this blog but he cant ever because hed be so hurt I think if he knew about my feelings for Adam. And I dont even know what kind of feelings they are, whether it was just rebound, or comfort, or security, or bond because of Phil or whether I really do like him in the way that I feel like I do. I dont know but I think it will take time to figure out but thats not fair on anyone. So I have to end it with Adam, I really hope we can still talk though, I really think hes a wonderful guy and hes been so supportive of me recently. Maybe he would want to carry on talking to me also, but Im going to wait until after the weekend. Need to see how it goes in Amsterdam before I make any rash decisions. Was so upset last night, so annoying I got those feelings back of paranoia and feeling unworthy of Ali, was just so tired and grumpy and needed just to make love to him and hold him and he just seemed to want to lecture me and tell me all those things I do which are wrong or need improving.How am I ever going to chill out when Im with him if he just tells me i HAVE to relax more. Just let me be and I will! But hes agreed to go to salsa with me which will be soo fun either way. I cant wait to go and buy a new salsa dress and heels and make him even more crazy about me. My most favourite fantasy in the world is men who are normally so calm and composed, being unable to control themselves around me they want and love me so much. Maybe thats half the problem. I think Bex is right though, I seem destined to end up with a guy whos name begins with A. Like when I was buying a horse they all began with C. I really want to buy that horse Venetiador when I am graduated. I will if shes still for sale and Ali marries me. xx