blueberry blues

I was so shocked when Ali said he wanted me back and now Im with him again even know Im really not sure its what I actually want. But hes apparently wanting and trying to give me exactly what Ive wanted and wished for for so long that I cant just ignore that. I know Ive changed but I dont know if hes not right for me anymore or Ive just got used to it all not being real. He said he wanted to see this blog but he cant ever because hed be so hurt I think if he knew about my feelings for Adam. And I dont even know what kind of feelings they are, whether it was just rebound, or comfort, or security, or bond because of Phil or whether I really do like him in the way that I feel like I do. I dont know but I think it will take time to figure out but thats not fair on anyone. So I have to end it with Adam, I really hope we can still talk though, I really think hes a wonderful guy and hes been so supportive of me recently. Maybe he would want to carry on talking to me also, but Im going to wait until after the weekend. Need to see how it goes in Amsterdam before I make any rash decisions. Was so upset last night, so annoying I got those feelings back of paranoia and feeling unworthy of Ali, was just so tired and grumpy and needed just to make love to him and hold him and he just seemed to want to lecture me and tell me all those things I do which are wrong or need improving.How am I ever going to chill out when Im with him if he just tells me i HAVE to relax more. Just let me be and I will! But hes agreed to go to salsa with me which will be soo fun either way. I cant wait to go and buy a new salsa dress and heels and make him even more crazy about me. My most favourite fantasy in the world is men who are normally so calm and composed, being unable to control themselves around me they want and love me so much. Maybe thats half the problem. I think Bex is right though, I seem destined to end up with a guy whos name begins with A. Like when I was buying a horse they all began with C. I really want to buy that horse Venetiador when I am graduated. I will if shes still for sale and Ali marries me. xx

So today I'm feeling a bit better. Sad in a way because Ang saw his brother and they were commenting on the new girlfriend he's trying to impress. But then in a way, I'm totally full of energy because a "new" man gave me his number. Have been emailing Adam ever since we met again at Phil's wedding, and now he's given me his mobile number, so since about 1.5 days ago we've been texting a bit. And he's so nice, not sure about the whole height/age thing but is early days yet. And I asked him if he thought I am fat ugly or pathetic and he sent a message back saying "no absolutely not, none of them" and even left a kiss at the end, so I'm now like wow I love him. Haha ok maybe I'm not sure about love yet but I really like him I think and I feel like I can totally trust him. He said he is unashamedly honest and he wants a family and it came out that I do too, but I was like yeh but thats unrealistic now, and he was like it really isn't. So now its like woah scary. And the thing is, I'm so scared of being hurt again, because Ali did hurt me, and also Adam is really good friends with Phil, as well as knowing my parents, so if something went wrong, or w.e. it would all be so open and out there like J and Derek are, and I don't know if I could cope with that because I am such a messed up and not-together person, esp at the moment. And all that inevitable gossip would just complicate things and add extra pressure, which I for one do not need. But I don't even know if he likes me in that way, or wants that kind of relationship with me, so am trying not to be too paranoid, and get carried away about things. But I think I really like him and I need someone who I can rely on, and he seems to be such an awesome wonderful person and is so patient with me! But we'll see how it goes I guess. I don't want to be too clingy and obsessive esp at first and push him away like I did to Ali. But it's so so so hard because I'm paranoid at the moment and also I actually like him. aaaaaaargh but ooh too.

Am sad this evening because spent lots of money on tomorrows fancy dress costume so I look sexy and hes not even going to be there. I was then talking to him on msn later and wanted to go round there to watch a film with him or something, and at first he wasnt sure but now he just says no. I feel so sad and lonely and miss him so much and the time we spent together. Buddies are getting fed up with me not being able to just get over him, but it just isnt that easy. Next time I will be more careful and only fall in love with someone actually worth it. I know he probably isnt worth being sad about and has most likely moved on, even to someone else, but I cant help it I love him and still want to be with him and spend time with him. Which is why I keep trying to go over there, but really shouldnt because it just makes him worse as he knows how much power he has over me. Going to spend time watching stupid films with buddies now to try to take my mind off things. But at the same time, have so much work to do, esp as he was saying how much work hes done and its really panicked me. And yet, I am so lonely and depressed and wish I had someone to hold me, a good, strong, kind, gorgeous man to hold me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. Like he used to, only not drop me like a stone when he couldn't handle being in love.